Last night was the first time I had been to a practice in over a month. Taking a break was my choice, but I only wanted to take a couple practices off. Unfortunately working evenings turned that week long break into a month long break. On one hand I’m really disapointed and generally bummed out about being away for so long. I miss the girls I was skating with a great deal and I feel like I am letting them down. On the other hand, I think taking a step away from derby and away from the competitive teams was a really good call on my part. It helped me keep my sanity and not just up and quit derby all together.
Practice with the rookies last night reminded me why I fell for roller derby in the first place. Women of all skill levels, skating together and encouraging each other. It just made me feel so good to be there. It didn’t matter if you fell. It didn’t matter how fast you were. All that mattered was that you tried your best. No pressure. No worrying about making a roster. No wondering if you are the worst girl on the team. It was absolutely lovely.
I had no idea who most of these girls were. Luckily some of my old team mates came out too. It was nice to see them again. It made me miss the rest of my old team mates though, and made me a bit sad. I hope someday I will get to skate with all those girls again.
I plan on attending as many as this Player Development/Rookie practices as I can. However, with the way work has been going, I probably won’t be able to attend too many. I still want to try the rec league, I just haven’t had a chance to go yet. I’m really torn, because I do love the league I’m in. Most of the people are awesome, and I’ve made some great friends. But, I am just not a competitive person. It stresses me out. I think that the rec league might be a better fit for me. My derby future is still unclear at this point…but I think I will figure things out soon.
So, a lot has happened since my last post. I made the roster for the second bout. When one of our captains told me this I was so happy! However my hopes were dashed when I found out I was only an alternate. Sigh.
For some reason I still had this false hope that I would somehow get to play… Like maybe they would just keep me on the bench or something. So I went to the venue, geared up, and warmed up with the team. The girls stated their goals for themselves and for the team. I said I really hope they’d win. One of the girls asked how I was feeling about everything. I told her not great. We had a little chat and I felt a lot better about the whole thing.
My mood quickly went down the toilet though when it was time to announce the skaters. I really should have said something. I really should have said that I did not want to be announced. They said my name and I did a little halfhearted wave, and shuffled back in line. The girls sat on the bench and I went back to the dressing room to gear down. I almost started to cry as I grabbed my purse and headed back out to the rink. I somehow regained composure, took a deep breath and stepped out from the dressing area.
I walked by my team’s bench on my way to the ATM, because I needed some fried food and maybe a drink right that second! Coach gave me a shoulder squeeze as I passed, and the bench wench gave me a hug. I walked as fast as I could without looking ridiculous to the ATM. One of the derby widows came up to me and asked me why I wasn’t playing. I immediately started to cry. He awkwardly walked away.
I was very embarrassed, but also couldn’t stop crying. I went outside to get some air so I could think properly. It’s not that big of deal, I kept telling myself. I knew I needed to put on my big girl panties and go cheer for my team. It just really hurt me to see all the girls I started skating with playing without me. I’m happy for them, but I can’t help but be jealous that I’m not out there skating with them. It’s selfish to think that, I know. I just really want to play.
I went back inside to the bleachers, and cheered as loud as I could. I smiled the whole time. During the second bout, I ran the door with some other girls from the league and a girl from the rec league. We started to talk about the rec league. Although they don’t get to bout, and they only get to scrimmage, it’s still a lot of fun without the pressure. I like the sound of that.
It will be nice to get some practice in, in a less competitive zone. Also, I have to miss this next draft for the SRDL teams because I work both practice nights this week. It’s looking like I won’t be able to commit to all of the practice times and all of the bouts due to work. I was really hoping to be more involved this summer, but I don’t think that’s going to happen because of the weird shifts I have at my summer job. SRDL is having practices for Non-Rostered skaters, so hopefully I can make most of those.
I don’t really know what’s up with my derby career right now… Only time will tell.
TL;DR – Got rostered as alternate, didn’t play. Cried. Considering rec league. Missing next draft for SRDL. Can’t commit due to work.
Monstah Goil #16, A roller derby Dullahan!
Her body and head work independently and don’t quite get along.. but they wouldn’t get very far without the other! The head’s rash personality often accidentally causes the Body to be injured. The body can only “talk” back in gestures and emanata. (I think this is the 3rd or 4th girl with a removable head on my blog now…. oops.)